


Makes the Whole World Blind

by Angelwingsl3 (Marie_Fanwriter)



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, An eye for an eye, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, ME2, Paragon Shepard (Mass Effect), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, m!Shakarian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23140378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marie_Fanwriter/pseuds/Angelwingsl3
Summary: After Garrus’ loyalty mission, Shepard and his turian friend have more than a few things to discuss.
Relationships: Male Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 13
Kudos: 95
Collections: Spectre Requisitions 2020





	Makes the Whole World Blind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Silver_Queen_DoS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver_Queen_DoS/gifts).



> A gift for [**Silver_Queen_DoS**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver_Queen_DoS)!
> 
> Prompted by: _The 'there's no Shepard without Vakarian' bromance is such a strong and powerful bond and the way these two always watch each other's back is amazing. The fact that Garrus is one of the few characters with Shepard through the whole Trilogy and Shepard clearly and repeatedly alters his life course… there's just a lot between them. I love how, in ME2, they just instantly click back into banter and get on with dealing with mercs, despite everything that's taken place and hasn't been explained._
> 
> Beta: [**Some_Writer**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Some_Writer)

\---

Shepard didn’t even manage to shower or change before heading to the port observation lounge on the  _ Normandy. _ As he stepped into the dimly-lit room, he had EDI lock the door before making his way to the bar and pouring a drink. The ex-Commander sat heavily on one of the barstools, his face in his hands and elbows on the bartop.

It was mid-afternoon, ship time. Most of the crew were on shore leave and out the observation port, Shepard could see the hustle and bustle of the Citadel docks. The galaxy continued without him, as it had done when he died. No one else cared.

Sighing, Shepard dropped his face and picked up the glass of whiskey he’d poured. A mini, copper whirlpool manifested in the cylinder as a single question festered in his thoughts: _So why did he care?_

No one would have missed a single turian anymore than the galaxy had missed Shepard. Sure, maybe Sidonis had made friends on the Citadel, but Garrus had made it clear there was no family involved. Not a soul relied on Sidonis for shelter or food. Any acquaintances would have soon forgotten the turian ever existed.

Shepard shot the whiskey back in a single go and coughed against the burn. 

The only thing that would change was his relationship with Garrus. Shepard stood in the way of his shot, forcing Garrus to do what he saw as the moral thing and let Sidonis live. He doubted Garrus would even return to the ship. He’d disappeared after they regrouped.

Shepard poured a double. It tasted like ash in his mouth.

For a long time, he sat in silence and drank. With the locked door, no one bothered him. Shepard’s muscles ached from the skirmish with the Blue Suns, he could feel the grime on his skin beneath his armour, but he did not budge beyond serving another round. Half of a bottle in and Shepard barely felt buzzed. He blamed Miranda for that.

_ “Commander.” _ EDI’s voice broke Shepard out of his silent musings.  _ “Officer Vakarian has requested entry.” _

His back straightened so fast that Shepard felt like his spine might snap. He stammered a moment before deciding on an answer: “No. Denied. I’d like to be alone.”

_ “Understood.” _ There was a loud bang on the door like someone had hit it with their closed fist. EDI ignored it.  _ “Logging you out, Commander.” _

At the very least, the A.I’s calm voice did not change in the slightest as a human’s voice would have. The thought of seeing Garrus now made him panic. Shepard looked down at himself and saw the marks of battle on his armour and knew if he had a mirror, then he would see lines of exhaustion under his eyes.

He scrubbed his hands over his face once again before shakily pouring another shot. Shepard was bound and determined to silence his head before trying to sleep; otherwise, he knew he wouldn’t sleep at all. Maybe if he didn’t see Garrus, then the turian would just leave the ship silently. It wasn’t like he owed a resignation letter or anything. Shepard had royally fucked up their friendship. Garrus didn’t owe him a thing.

A loud beep was Shepard’s only warning before the observation lounge doors opened. Garrus stepped through them swiftly, lowering his Omni-tool as he did so. He’d hacked his way in, and the door shut behind him, the lock glowing red. For a moment, they stared at one another. Garrus had taken the time to dress down, looking ridiculously casual in comparison to the human in a turian-styled hoodie.

“You seriously think you’re the only one who needs a drink?” Garrus seethed. 

It took only a few steps for the tall turian to cross the room. He immediately rounded the bar and began picking through bottles until he found the one he wanted. His first shot came straight from the bottle. Garrus exhaled loudly and wiped his mouth with the back of his free hand before pouring out a generous second serving into an actual glass.

“Well?” he prompted around the lip before taking another smaller sip.

Shepard blinked a few times and shook his head. “I suppose I’m not,” he answered, feeling at least a bit sheepish at this point. “I didn’t think--”

“Yeah, that’s right. You didn’t think.” Garrus took his glass and the bottle with him to the couch to sit down.

His shoulders fell. Shepard knew he deserved that. 

Silence fell over the room once again. Even the whispering drive core in the background didn’t ebb any of the tension in the room. Now, with Garrus actually present, Shepard’s mind spun back up like a top. Any semblance of calm he’d managed to gather disappeared and left him tighter than a bowstring. He took another sip of whiskey.

“I didn’t expect you back,” Shepard said after his glass ran dry.

He heard Garrus shift on the couch behind him but didn’t turn. “I didn’t expect to come back.”

Shepard grit his teeth and let his shoulders droop under the weight of his armour. “I would have understood if you didn’t.” The  _ ‘so, why did you?’  _ went unsaid.

“Not that I have much choice,” Garrus offered in answer regardless. 

His brief chuckle was dark. It cut into Shepard’s heart like a knife. The human turned to watch as Garrus leaned back into the couch and stared at the ceiling. His visor sat beside his empty glass on the table; the bottlecap was nowhere to be seen. One of his hands rose, and Garrus scratched at the edge of the bandage beneath his eye.

“According to C-Sec, I’m MIA and presumed dead. The family stopped looking a few months ago. Hell, if it hadn’t been for you, I would have been dead. I was ready on that bridge, you know?” He sighed and leaned forward to put his elbows on his knees and stare blankly out the viewport. “No one would have noticed then, and they won’t now. May as well go out saving the galaxy, right?”

“I would.”

“Hm?” Garrus turned his head just enough to see Shepard out of the corner of his eye.

“I would have noticed.” Shepard stood up and slowly walked across the room, he sat down beside Garrus and tentatively bumped their shoulders together. “When-- when I first woke up, I asked where the old squad went. Wrex went to Tuchunka, Tali to the fleet, Ash back to the Alliance, and Liara to Illium. But they didn’t know where you went. Why?”

Garrus made a sound that sounded half like a grumble and half like a sigh. “I didn’t want to be found, I guess.”

“But why?” Shepard stressed the question again. “Why didn’t you want to be found?”

His gaze didn’t leave the floor. “After everything you did, no one cared. Once you were gone, they discounted you as a lunatic. There were no Reapers, only a rogue Spectre and the geth. Everything we worked for evaporated overnight. I suppose I wanted to go somewhere and make a difference for a little while. On Omega, it was easy.”

“You said that before,” Shepard noted as he leaned forward and filled Garrus’ glass. “But you could have just as easily made a difference on a new colony or altruistic mission of some kind.”

Garrus picked up his glass and, like Shepard had done earlier, swirled the alcohol around as though doing so would reveal answers. The Commander bided his time and waited for him to be ready.

“You died, Shepard.” Garrus finally answered. He sipped the brandy with a trembling hand until it was gone. “You died, and I wasn’t there.”

“Garrus--”

But he shook his head, and Shepard stopped trying to interrupt. Garrus didn’t look at Shepard as he spoke, only at the empty glass in his hands.

“So, I went to Omega. I was drifting. Archangel wasn’t a plan. It was an accident; I saw someone who needed help, so I helped. Then they just kept coming. People needed me. Others joined up, and I had this whole team. Then-- they died too. I couldn’t save them either.” Finally, he turned and made eye contact. “It’s all my fault, Shepard. Sidonis might’ve tipped off the mercs, but I signed their death warrants. It should have been me.”

For someone so large, Garrus couldn’t have looked smaller than at this moment. Shepard didn’t know what to do. If he’d been sitting next to Liara or Tali, he could have hugged them. But he and Garrus weren’t like that. They traded quips, went to the range, or drank instead of talked. Maybe they should have been talking all along.

With his continued silence, Garrus looked away, and he kept going. “After you died and the funeral was over, everyone just forgot. I couldn’t.” He reached forward and put the glass down on the table before rubbing his eyes. “Damn it. I shouldn’t have said that.”

When he started to rise, Shepard grabbed his arm. “Garrus, wait.” He stood alongside his friend, the lightbulb finally going off in his head. So close, the difference in their height was stark even with Shepard in armour. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

Garrus’ mandibles pulled in tight to his face, but he didn’t try to remove the hand from his arm. “It doesn’t matter, Shepard.” 

“It does to me,” he replied, tightening his grip ever so slightly before he let go. “I shouldn’t have stopped you today.”

For a moment, Garrus seemed thrown. But he shot back once he’d had a chance to compose himself. “You had every right. It was stupid, setting you up like that in the open.”

“That’s not why I did it.” 

“No?” his head tilted to the side. Confusion reigning evident on his face.

“No,” Shepard agreed. “I did it because that wasn’t you behind the scope. You haven’t been yourself in a long time, Garrus. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before. You deserve better. I was so caught up in my own shit--”

“Your shit? Shepard, you’re the one who actually  _ died!” _

“It doesn’t change the fact you lost everything and then I expected you just to manage the fact I came back to life. You are the only damn person who believed me at face value.” Shepard didn’t mean to get angry, but his voice had risen. “Are you telling me, if the mercs hadn’t shown up when they did, then you would have been afraid of me like Tali or pissed like Ashley?”

“I--” he stopped, unable to defend his position.

“You might not have come with me, Garrus. But you still would have believed me.”

He blew out a long breath and nodded before walking to the bar to fetch the bottle of whiskey and glass Shepard had left behind. In the interim, Shepard sat down and poured out another brandy for when Garrus returned. They both slowly sipped from their drinks as they collected their thoughts.

It was Garrus who spoke first. “You’re my best friend in this screwed up galaxy, Shepard. Of course, I believed you. What I don’t understand is why you took me with you.” He gestured to his face. “I’m more than a little fucked-up.”

“Not to me.” Shepard carefully brought his hand up to the edge of the bandage. “May I?” he asked in a voice barely above a whisper. They were close enough that Shepard could hear Garrus swallow as he nodded. 

Shepard removed his gloves before, ever so gently, working the bandage away from his cheek. Chakwas’ reports on Garrus’ condition said it could come off whenever he was ready, but Shepard had never taken the time to find out why he hadn’t removed it. Garrus winced slightly as the bandage tugged at the edges of the injury, but didn’t complain.

When it finally came free, and Shepard could see the resulting damage, his eyes welled with the barest edge of tears. “This,” he began, his fingers just millimetres from the slowly healing wound. “-this is my fault. If I had been faster--”

“No,” Garrus said as his hand closed over the top of Shepard’s on his face. It was a warm and comforting weight. “No more blame. From either of us.”

“Deal.”

They sat in silence for another minute before Garrus let go of Shepard’s hand and coughed. “Guess we should uh, have another round?”

He always gave Shepard an out. This time, the Commander didn’t take it. Instead, he smiled back at him as he grabbed Garrus’ retreating fingers. Somehow five fit perfectly into three.

\---


End file.
